Monday, June 6, 2016

Now you see me...

I'm not sure why I'm here seeing as I don't really have much to say and yet I've felt the need to write beckon every day for the past week like a siren's call.

Let's start with what I know.

May was unkind to me. I really do pray that the day when I can look back at the pendulum that is my life, the constant high and low swing of my destiny, and laugh it off is fast approaching. I keep trying to remind God that i'm not as strong as He might think I am, and that I can't bear it anymore and I would rather be in Heaven than continue to suffer so, but He clearly is not even acknowledging me. 

Dissertation is moving along. Hoping to be knee deep in it come next month.

Back in the gym. One week on, one week off, lol. I need to get my act together, I have about 4 weddings to attend between July and October.

Began my very first side sales gig. Look out for Lael designs, your very best in ready to wear Ankara designs.

Began the mentoring, well technically beginning (first meeting is this Saturday), that I mentioned earlier. Praying for God's success.

I give too much of myself and I forget to love myself. That must change.

"Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don't fool" - Unknown.
Ain't that the truth! I can't exactly tell you I know when I put on the disguise but I do know it's been on for way too long and now all I crave for is someone who truly sees me without me saying a word. I know that is asking for a whole lot but I can't seem to help it. The need is stronger than the air I breathe.

I will be 30 in October. I will have a lot to testify by then in Jesus Name. Amen.

What I don't know

What the next steps are...
The dreams/desires/passions keep increasing with no apparent clarity on which path to take and more importantly how. What the hell is my purpose? For someone who prides herself on being valuable, I am feeling very worthless lately.
How to continue to fight my way and win the battlefield of my mind.
How to better structure my time and not take on way too much as much as I want to.
How to be broken because maybe then God will remember me and step in.

My Prayer

That this will indeed be the very last time I come on here to write because I am so full of sorrow and mourning will indeed turn to dancing. I pray June is kind and generous 

Action Items

Continue to pray and read my devotion daily
Continue to set goals and work at achieving them day in day out
Catch up on my reading and write more
Strive harder by God's grace to make my dreams come true.
Keep working out
Love myself more

Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Jig

It's this thing we do everyday
well those of us commute
You know the dance
He weaves this way, you weave that way
She smiles, you smize
You run breathless
O wait the train is delayed for another 5 mins.
You stand most days, some days you sit
Maybe you have a conversation
Maybe you put your earphones in and drown out the noise
Maybe you try to sleep
Or catch up on your increasingly behind devotion
You smile to the man who tells you you are beautiful while trying to give you a free newspaper
Your heart breaks a little for every drunken, crazy, homeless individual you see
You sanitize your hands a 100 times
Ok make it 1000 times
Your nose adjusts to the smells
Ever walked 4 blocks holding your breath?
And the tourists...
The French speaking who ask for a chocolate croissant in such an exotic manner you order one too
The British speaking couple who sound so amazing you want to ask if they have a son
The German speaking, the Indian speaking, the Italian speaking and of course
The loud speaking African, always Nigerian.
And you wouldn't change a thing
Not one thing!
On, this fortunate journey, called The Jig

I hope you are well and April is rounding off awesomely well for you. I'll see you next month and catch you up soon on all the business that is my life. Through it all we thank God.

Have a blessed week & God Bless.


Monday, March 28, 2016

Never Enough Time...

Hi Guys,

That's how I haven't written anything in a month. Omo wase o rise! To God be the glory!

Work has been good but busy or better still, let me say I'm reading my ass off, which you would think is a good thing because it means it would carry over to school work but noooo, all i want to do is come home and sleep or watch TV and as my Pastor Jide will say "there's more to life". Isn't it funny how for years I have been praying for a job, now I want to complain about work. SMH!

But na, absolutely nothing to complain about tho. It really is an excellent place to work at and everyone is so nice but they stay being sick yo. I feel like i'm in day care. For the past 3 weeks I haven't felt like my brain was functioning and today has been the first day I have felt whole and this was after some serious prayers yo. Thank God for the resurrection power, that is able to still heal. You would think with the lack of food I would have lost mad weight but no, my ass is still fat as ever.

#Random and sorry in advance guys but Period sucks as you get older. It's completely horrible.

Ehen, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted.

I finally got my dissertation chair, which means by God's grace, I can actually graduate this year. It's going to take a lot though and I already am so boring as it is so I really am dreading investing myself as such, but I am definitely more eager to be done than any fear. It is well sha.

My folks will all be here in a little more than a month for the lawyer's graduation and then baby sister will be done by December and just like that my mum will have 4 children with at least a Bachelor's degree. If its not the Lord doing I honestly don't know what else is.

I'm boring today. There is nothing much going on in my life but I guess i'm too busy to notice. That's how I haven't traveled this year and as much as I want to just enter my car to go somewhere I am currently feeling guilty about writing a blog post when I should be doing a literature review on colorectal cancer.

I really recommend this book btw "Knowing God's Will" by M. Blaine Smith. It's taking me forever to read but its an excellent book especially for those of us seeking directions in the different areas of our lives.

People and their secrets. It really bothers me, You are sick, you need to go get a surgery, what is the need to be secretive about that for? I don't for the life of me get it. I'm not saying blast it to the entire world but if you personally think you can't tell me, i'm personally going to take that as you don't trust me and that's your right. Simple.

I was sad the other day because my friend said she didn't feel like she could tell me when I do/say things she doesn't like because I am defensive. It really hurt me and I cried like a baby although I am definitely blaming period on that. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't seem like the worst thing that someone can say is a "flaw" but it really got to me, maybe because I think everyone should be open especially to me because I live my life very open you know. The funny thing is regardless of my defensiveness, I take criticism very well because I see it as a way to improve myself. The other funny thing was this devotional I read, was prior to that all week talking about friendships and hurts and betrayals and I'm like "awwww I've never gone through that" and then we got into it and i'm like "I should never have said that" lol. I personally don't think misunderstandings/fights are good for any relationship no matter what anyone says and my normal self will just be like "peace, i'm out" but God has been working on me and I guess that's how It is when you love someone, you just keep loving them.

It's sad to see that there's this guy who could be great for you; Loves God, can even sing, will probably never cheat on you, dedicated, caring and yet all his flaws? they are worse than all the BBs (do you remember him?) and them. Then somebody will be asking me why I am single? Is it your single? I think I've said it here before that I am convinced that we all settle, just to varying degrees. For right now, all i'm about ready to settle for is a change in my physical requirements (God be making them short these days) otherwise, I am honestly just needing to save enough money before I adopt my first child and I call it a day. Life is too short.

I lost a friend of mine and my friend lost his dad in this last few weeks and yet there's people having babies, getting engaged/married, celebrating birthdays etc. Needless to say the cycle of life continues. We just have to live and live life to the fullest.

That's all I have for you (this took me like 2 hours, tsk tsk).

I hope life is treating you kindly. Have a great rest of the week.
God loves you and so do I.


Sunday, March 6, 2016

Office Politics

How are you doing folks?

Sorry I've been away for a minute, I'm still trying to figure out this waking up so early in the morning thing. For years I have scheduled everything after 10 A.M and the only day I ever needed to wake up early was on Sunday, I am very nocturnal, hence it being 11:38 P.M. and i'm wide awake. It will surely take some time and thank God for coffee.

I am loving having a structure to my day though, knowing when I am able to do certain things allows me plan my life a lot better. I have two independent studies to finish, a number of books I need to finish and still continuing my work at church so time management is key. Work seems like it will be exciting though, I get to work on pretty much every project because they all need evaluation tools and research on whatever topic they are working on. I told you, I am an evaluation and research associate right? Nways, I was afraid it was going to involve a lot of data analysis and I suspect it will, but I am also sure that's a good thing. I need to develop a stronger skill set in that area anyways and I get paid to learn it, so win-win situation, YAAAY ME!

In past jobs, I have always known it was a short position since they were all contract positions so I didn't really care about office politics and now I have to and boy oh boy. For one, I am very passionate about research and it has always made me mad that we are often called in after the fact, so imagine my excitement when I was called in on a brainstorming session and how I ran my mouth *OOPS*. My supervisor (she works out of the office) calls me to say and I'll cut right to it for brevity sake "I love your passion, but for the next 3 months (probation period), SHUT THE FUCK UP". Let's just say I got the message loud and clear. So it is my job, by God's grace to shut up, but also to make my impact known especially during this probation period. I know my Lord will see me through. 2 weeks down already, soon i'll stop counting.

Second, is just trying to navigate the company's culture. So far so good. I don't sense that there is a lot of gossiping, back biting et al over there. Folks have been at the company for decades, and it looks like everyone likes each other, so that's good. They have a daycare center which I think is awesome. Yea, so far so great, we thank God.

Oh, so the job is in NY and I have to commute from NJ and that's how the train workers have decided they want to strike. Please pray for me, cos ain't nobody got time for that. I can't even deal at all. The train is always packed, I'm rarely able to find seats as it is whether going or coming, but I will still rather do that than take the bus and or drive. Trying to figure out the best alternative plans but still your prayers will be helpful. With that said, loving working in the city again, but this time i'm in the heart of the city so I can meet up with folks for lunch or after work coffee (no drinks yet) and the views are tres magnificent.

I cut the cords on my cable. I am so proud of me, because you would think since I can afford it now, why would I? I just wasn't prepared to pay $80+ for something I only got to use for a few hours anymore, plus I found another way to still watch my shows and live too (shout-out to all my suppliers). My friend (I need to find a way to tell you guys about this individual and yet conceal any and all identifiers) helped me to put together a budget and let's just say I am sad that I need to strictly adhere and yet I feel that I hate that I can't be spontaneously generous. Even my generosity is planned and I cried when we finished putting it together sha. I however realize and believe it's something God is calling me to do i.e. be responsible in my finances, not because He doesn't want me to be generous but being responsible in my finances is me being obedient to His principles on prosperity and will cause me to be even more generous in due time. Still painful sha, but I also wonder if I maybe wouldn't have suffered during these past few years if I had being on this tip a long time ago. O well, there is a time for everything. Plus how else will I be able to teach others how not to make the same mistakes.

I feel so overly spiritual nowadays, I feel the need to go do something bad. LOL, it is well.

I made a guy literally stop dead in his tracks today. That made me feel good. I still got it! :D

I'll be back soon.