Saturday, July 3, 2010

In my mind…

Who am I? How does one define one's self? Who are you? How do you define yourself? I Think I've said this before I am yet exploring this question. I know some things but on paper they seem trifle....On a mission to be, what i'm destined to be.

Pastor talked about students starting school in August esp international students today and that God has provided for us. U should have heard my Amen, It was the loudest. Lol. I have an appointment with a professor, one day after i got a rejection email from another. God hasn't finished with me yet and my Praise shall be continual.

I expect a lot from people, I expect hell of a lot from people I like. Some people e.g. my siblings I try not to project way too much expectation. Instead I try to make sure they stay focused and succeed on their chosen path. Some others, esp if I know you have not previously been doing the right thing, I expect you to be the best. This is bad, I think. Ms Pearl says I carry the weight of the world around. Lol, I doubt it.

Often my answer to why I act or even have some principles is that I am the first born. And then everybody argues that am I the only 1st born, or they know first born's who are not like me. I Guess I'm the typical personality type A kind first born. Wikipedia definition: Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, controlling, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with Type B personalities for the way that they're always rushing. They are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies"

Common sense is really not common. Really!!!! Or maybe it's just the fact that we as human beings have desires, we want to fulfill certain needs and wants, and so even though we know what we are doing is not sensible, we continue. Till the next morning and the regrets flood in and the activities of last night don't seem worth the pain/agony you feel the next morning.

I'm just not sure what on earth will possess me to think about trapping a guy with pregnancy. I'm crazy about BB and though nothing, but if somehow it happened and I was pregnant, I doubt I will tell him or anyone for that matter. Yes I mean any single person. I will just hide for 9months and then put up a picture of my baby and me. But God forbid sha.

Which reminds me, timing is everything. Why am I saying God forbid to a child? I want children, someday. Children are the heritage of God, so at no point in time is a child ever a bad thing. But still, timing. What can I offer a child right now? I can barely pay my bills. But yea in every aspect of life, timing is the most important thing and a lil bit of luck if you ask me.

I've lost track of what I was going to say so. O yeah I remember.

I told BB that I miss him something terrible and he was like huh? I understood that he didn't get it but then I asked my BF and she said she hadn't heard it either. My coworkers knew what it meant thankfully. In real life i.e. outside of blogsville I speak very colloquial English or better still I use a lot of colloquial expressions. I tend to pick up words/sentences/phrases and I'm always surprised that others haven't heard it. The BF and I argued "something terrible" (ha, u see!) someday over some words I forget now but Thank God for urban dictionary. The way words work for me I guess might be slightly different from most but words (spoken or written) tend to resonate with me and I tend to not forget words though I might forget your actions (ironic if u ask me) but I rarely ever forget words. Btw "I miss you something terrible" "I miss you something fierce" are commonly used when someone has passed away.

So I don't sleep, tried to explain this to TayneMent the last time we saw, did I even tell u guys that we saw in Austin some weeks back. I introduced her to PF Changs and she and her friend took me sight sight-seeing, I seen the capital and had this really great ice-cream. Nways I digress, so she was like "o but you slept now when u were here". My explanation. I wake up every hour or two, sometimes I stay up for 15-30mins/one hr and I go back or I stay up all night. Some days I actually don't wake up cos I feel like I'm awake the whole time cos I'm actively writing/filming a story. As in its so freaking active and they are always so interesting. I find myself analyzing the story even in my sleep. I wish I had some kind of machine that could read/write& show me what the dreams are cos once I wake up I forget everything literally. Plus I don't toss around, so the only indications include scratches, feeling like I slapped myself, my heart racing, headaches, sweating or even feeling wet. I'm more groggy from mornings like this than when I wake up numerous times. So yea, does this happen to anyone else? I'm sad that I can't remember the stories cos I can swear they would make for record breaking movies, I mean they intrigue me even in my dreams. LOL

"If you press me to say why I loved liked him I can say no more than because He was He and I was I"…..Michel Eyquem de Montaigne ….. That's how I feel.



I often wonder that if my ONE, you know that perfect soulmate dies, like say before you marry or after having been married for only a while, if i will ever re-marry. (this is from watching way too many Lifetime movies & reading all this silly romantic novels btw)I don't think i will. If we don't have kids i'll just adopt and be happy with my kids. I know i'm weird. God forbid it sha, we shall never know this kind of sorrow in Jesus Name.

I'm not sure why I like love LDR's but I do. Does this mean I'm not ready for marriage? Remember a couple months back when everybody was all so lovey dovey, now we all hate boys on blogsville. LOL

Random Pseudo Poem – ties with my above statement. Couldn't give it a name, maybe cos it doesn't read like a poem to me.

It's hard to believe that your happiness is dependent on someone. Someone other than God that is!
Human, just like you, covered in skin. Same complexion as you actually!
Shades doesn't matter, heart makes the lover.
Maybe taller (well a lot taller)
Equally as intelligent (you are smarter though).
And all the other comparisons that come with.
Thing is you can almost bet that this is the happiest you have ever been.
Now even childhood memories, the happier times, seem irrelevant.
The moments spent apart and that spent together.
Countless hours on the phone, oh the joys of LDR's!
The 1st kiss when he gets off the plane, that all so loving hug,
The smile that brightens his face when he takes a good look at you,
Passionate love making, like this could be your last,
Your happiest memories now include this person
And if you are anything like me, you smile at the realization of the fact that,
Your source of happiness is just a regular guy
J thatisall ….hoping your weekend has been fab, mine has been entirely boring but thats ok, although right now i feel like dancing and showing some skin :D

P.S I LOVE YOU

12 comments:

  1. I dunno that I have ever tried to define myself. I am too here and there to define myself plus why box myself. I know what i know and what I believe in.

    Some things are just plain characteristics of how a person is, not because they are 1st, 2nd or 15th born.

    Been having the sleep problem for some time. quite exhausting.

    Dunno what I would do if my husband dies.

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  2. Nice poem.

    Yeah, you seem to be carrying the weight of the world around. I always say that the first step to solving a problem is identifying it. Now that you know you shouldn't stress too much about people, it'll push you forward.

    I need to check out this Urban dictionary thing since I like to play with words.

    Insomnia is not a good thing to have. I think you should research more on how to sleep for longer hours. Interruptions in sleep reduce your resting time. Each time you fall asleep, it takes a while before you get to the "resting stage," so if you're waking up every hour or so, you're really not resting.

    ps: I'm a first-born too. *Wink*

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  3. i don't think I could define myself, obviously the way I see me is completely different from the way the world does, i would like to think of myself as being "in metamorphosis" lol @ the miss you something terrible, i hate when that happens, then you have to start explaining what you mean, and true that on how we now all hate boys of blogsville.

    hate forgetting my dreams, sometimes i keep my eyes closed even after i've woken up, just so I don't lose them. hmm this your insomnia, maybe you should try drinking some chamomile before bed, don't advice any sleeping meds, those things are the devil

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  4. This is an interesting look at your thought processes, it was a collection of random thoughts, even the poem...random words but I still enjoyed it. Hmm lol at the pregnancy...thats a nice plan, if only it'd work lol, anyway we pray that doesn't happen. @the colloquial english, i know what you mean, I like using proper and sometimes big words but not really to show off, its just me. I agree, chamomile tea is really good for sleeping, i like the one with vanilla. As for your dreams, lol so they are like proper movies, its a shame then that you forget them. I used to forget mine, but I prayed and voila, i don't anymore!

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  5. It's Official, neefemi, u're weird! The poem's quite nice though...doesn't have to look like the 'poem' stereotype with the rhymes and all... Plus u're not the only type A individual in ue 'weird-Dom'. It helps if u reflect on what u've achieved while 'not sleeping'...you'll be proud....and the stress???? find creative ways to hide all dat. I av a lotta fins going on for me to distract people from the fact that i'm stressed...plus i sleep oddly enuff sometimes in the afternoons. You go babe. X

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  6. missing someone terrible is a pretty popular phrase

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  7. All the bestest best with the appointment. Your praise shall truly be total n resounding soon!

    "Something terrible". Ok i confess,haven't heard that one either--even for all my frequent visits to urban dictionary.

    ..maybe commitment-phobic??Dunno.

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  8. Plus I like the poem.

    And...Equally as intelligent (you are smarter though).Hmmmm Neeeeefemi!!!!

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  9. Ooh noo that type A description could have been written about me :-( :-p. Please when are you coming to Cardiff? I havent been sleeping well either just asked my friend about it she gave me a theory about the shorter summer nights. Hmmph i dunno about that. My psychologist mama say its sexual tension i said oh Hell NO! My momma didnt just try to talk to me about sex. Na ah.
    I like the phrase i miss u something terrible like those kinda phrases. bet please all these ur random musings abeg God will not allow ur soul mate to die prematurely o! Amen.

    I love the poem is quite deep. Hate LDRs think they suck major eggs kmt.

    My weekend was fab got a tragus piercing now i feel all edgy and ish hehe

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  10. @TM - Lol at why try to box myself, that makes sense. And we agree to disagree on if birth position makes a person. Pele about the sleep problem.

    @Jaycee - Thanks ma, and yes i am learning to destress a lot more. The tea they recommended is working for the sleep, Thank God. and chop knuckle, as per first born.

    @lalah - Lol at being in metamorphosis, aren't we all. OMG, i felt stupid trying to explain, lol. Boys suck jo, men are better. Thank you so much for recommending the tea, i greatly appreciate it.

    @Miss Natural - Thank you ma, and lol i sound crazy huh. Amen. Thanks for the tea recommendation as well and i am praying about the dreams o.

    @Wildboy - lol, yea i am. Thank you sir and will do, why does creative way to hide all that, sound so bad. lol

    @doll - apparently not o

    @T.Notes - Thank you and Amen. lol, u see, something new for the day. I don't think i have a commitment phobia though but i might be wrong. Thank you honey, hehehehehe

    @cerebrus - Amen, thanks honey.

    @BBB - thank you very much ma

    @glamtings - lol, thats not a bad thing now. and lmao at ur mom, omg, i for don die. AMEN, lol it was from movies i swear. Thank you so much and lol, i love LDRs o, or maybe i'm just used to it. I want a tragus piercing too, lmao at feeling edgy and ish..way to go

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