Saturday, October 16, 2010

Of all things

Prayer: So i seen someone asking why Nigerians always say Prayer is the solution and i just laugh... You must not ever have been at your wits end. Because only then will your first ever solution to everything, even the dumbest thing, be going down on your knees and Praying. I've said this before, first off you did not broach a solution to said problem, so why even knock anybody's advise. 2. In America for example, you could always use the law to solve a problem albeit temporarily and sometimes even that might fail you. In Nigeria, this is not an option. 3. Prayer is more than just you waiting on God for rescue, but because it brings with it the peace & clarity one needs to see the solution thats right in front of one's eyes.

Opinion: Had to come next, cos what i did above is berate someone's opinion. No one died and made me king of anything, but i strongly believe that not all opinions are to be voiced. Take a minute to reflect, put yourself in someone's else's shoe's. Think(its hard) but try imagine what you would do, what brought said person to that point. I can say this comfortably because trust me when i say i am the most judgmental person you will ever meet, but even i know better than to think that i have the solution to everything or i could do it better or i know better.

Down and Out: I realize that i understand why one will take his/her life. I never really understood it before cos i had never had any reason to want to kill myself. Most will say i don't have any now, you might be right, but you are also wrong. Let me tell you a lil about being down and out.
Down & out is the inability to see beyond the now, you are so engrossed in your current state, the future seems embedded with more problems. No victory in sight, every step you take to make your future better, comes with it its own added set of problems e.g.
Down & out is when you think that even if i got a job right now, i may not be able to take it because there is only one car and how will your siblings go to school.
Down & out is you doing laundry wondering when you will be able to buy soap to do laundry again.
Down & out is when somehow you manage to pay this bill and instead of relief to come with that you think of the fact that you can't pay the next thousand bills.
No i won't be taking my own life or anything like that, i put my feet in someone else's shoes and it wasn't a pretty sight and i pray for the lost and troubles souls out there, may you find PEACE.

Dancing: I danced the whole day yesterday, a far cry from how i wept the day before. I danced at the laundromat, i danced at home. No epiphanies, no solutions to my problem, it wasn't even because i prayed, but somehow i think God was happy with that.

Hatred: I hate my parents for making me go through this. What were/are they thinking? Why do they think i'm strong enough to handle this? I hate myself for not being strong enough, i am a Leader, always been, right now failure is all i seem. I hate that i am not a boy, because in my mind somehow this would have been easier, because i would have been born with a hustler spirit and done some yahoo yahoo to solve my problems. I hate that i'm a "good" girl, with not enough courage to say i want to be a stripper or a prostitute or have a sugar daddy who will pay my bills? I hate that i didn't think of marrying to get papers, cos that would have made my life easier. I hate myself for not having any obvious talent, well one that pays immediately. I hate that luck did not decide to overflow on me, like it seems to do for others. I hate that i cant bear to think of myself doing anything illegal because i think, more like i know that i'm going to get caught, when others live this way for years.

Money: If you still think my problem is my negative bank account, then i'm not sure how else to explain. Its not the money, it sure will be good and will solve the obvious problems, but its more the responsibility of it all, the fact it seems like this is all on my head and it lasts for more years than i care to imagine. Its the feeling like i carry the weight of the world and i would never be free from it all.

LDR's: It's hard not to think of all the bad things he could be doing. Its hard not to think you guys had something together cos well i see the tweets and the messages and you are closer and i'm far away. Its hard not to worry. But its a greater feeling knowing someone has your back and you trust someone completely and they care for you even more than you do yourself or they. There will always be insecurities and fears, except the person is not worth it, you just have to not let them ruin a good thing and sometimes there might be cause to voice it out, never be afraid to do so. Don't push things under the rug, cos you are afraid that he might think you insecure, only God's love covers a multitude of sins. But what do i know, i'm single. Lol

Thank you for your love, support, prayers. You have been awesome instruments in my life, i can't tell you all that enough. Have a good weekend and i'm good really, i promise you, just sharing my thoughts.
P.S. I LOVE YOU

15 comments:

  1. Hmm... Nice perspective on things... Nice read

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  2. Awwwwwwwwwww, a BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GIGANTIC HUG TO YOU RIGHTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWWWWW.....even if its the least i can offer!
    Without repeating cliche encouragement,hang in there.You're tougher than you ever imagined.
    Admiring your strength all the way!!!!

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  3. I want to repeat words of encouragement, but u've probably heard 'em all and know 'em all. So lyk T.Notes I'm just sending u lots n lots of hugs from my itty bitty tiny self...and a huge warm smile!!1 just to let you know u r loved and not alone!!!

    Ermmm but wait o wat do u mean by u r single??? *raised eyebrow*

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  4. I'm so happy that u can come on here and be REAL, let it all out!
    I know my God who is still on the throne will see you thru like he did for me, he is faithful!

    XOXO

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  5. You are strong dear and I know you know that too. There will be moments of weakness but by God's grace you'll get through this. HUGGSSS...

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  6. Nice vent Neefemi. I totally relate with you on hatred, money and being down and out. Cliche as it is, God is your strength. Sending e-hugs your way. Remember this too shall pass and you'll be a stronger person for it. I'm reminded that we all have to go through a refining process to blossom into the person God wants us to be. I'll keep you in my prayers. Have a blessed weekend.

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  7. Neefemi and that's why you pray. You are stronger than you give yourself credit. I've told you i'm praying for you, sent you numerous e- hugs (lol) and I want you to know (more than you do now, cos I know you already know on a high level) that you will get over this smelling like freshly opened pampers lol you get my drift (was jst trying to be funny). Once again...chin up

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  8. As somebody who has been right where you are and God brought me through it...i have the utmost faith that God will do the same for you. You will emerge from these ashes like a pheonix...soaring higher and higher...Amen. x

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  9. i just hope you remember that:

    "His thoughts towards you are thoughts of good and not of evil to give you a hope and a future".

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  10. Neefemi, i want to just wrap my hands around you right now, just a big warrm hug from the depths of my heart..

    you are strong and this too shall surely surely pass!!!

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  11. Girly whats up??? You sound pained...you hate that you are a good girl who hasnt done this and that and etc etc?

    Then do it...go get a sugar daddy who would pay your bills and trust me its gonna make life a lot easier for you, i'mnot just talking its true...and while at that, do something illegal too, but start small so you can learn how it works without getting caught. I promise you, your life would be way easier...

    But you have never striked me as that kinda girl...the one who looks for the easy way out. So keep praying and remember provs 23:18 that says ''For surely there is an end; and thy expectation shall not be cut off''

    Tarry a while girl...you dont need luck.What do you need luck for when you have favour and grace...and Mercy?

    This too shall pass...just hold on.

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  12. Hi dear,I am with you on this and to a large extent I understand what you feel...
    What came to me as I read your post are the passages below...I've taken the liberty to copy and paste them below...I hope I will be pardoned for being so "forward":)

    Habakkuk3:17-19
    Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,and there are no grapes on the vines;even though the olive crop fails,and the fields lie empty and barren;even though the flocks die in the fields,and the cattle barns are empty,yet I will rejoice in the Lord!I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!The Sovereign Lord is my strength!He makes me as surefooted as a deer,able to tread upon the heights.

    2Corinthians4:8-9
    We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed

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  13. @No Limit - lol, no need to be pardoned... reading this again and i'm very grateful

    @Nutty J - lol, tough love huh? Thanks darling. Amen

    @histreasure - thank you so much ma, i really appreciate it. Amen and hugs right back

    @Tisha - yes i do, thanks

    @Glamtings - Amen. Thanks, love

    @Miss Natural - Lol, i needed it. Thanks love, Amen.

    @Shade - Thank you darling, i'm equally praying for you as well. It is well, Amen

    @Myne - Amen, thank you mami, hugs right back

    @Blessing - awww thanks, you guys let me be...Amen and Amen

    @Miss Enigma - lol, u r so very tiny indeed. Thanks love, hugs right back and AMEN

    @T.Notes - Huuuuuuuuggggggggsss right back, thanks hon

    @Harry - thanks sir

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  14. ERM A BIT LATE...but hey i get that feeling a lot...to the point that last week i put it up on fb saying "u know when u have one of those days that u wish u werent a xtian so u can REACT"

    So yeh that ws my status update ...ull get thru it...and if u dont God loves u anyway x hang in there

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  15. @Barefeet: Know the feeling exactly, thank you sweety, i appreciate it

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