Prayer: So i seen someone asking why Nigerians always say Prayer is the solution and i just laugh... You must not ever have been at your wits end. Because only then will your first ever solution to everything, even the dumbest thing, be going down on your knees and Praying. I've said this before, first off you did not broach a solution to said problem, so why even knock anybody's advise. 2. In America for example, you could always use the law to solve a problem albeit temporarily and sometimes even that might fail you. In Nigeria, this is not an option. 3. Prayer is more than just you waiting on God for rescue, but because it brings with it the peace & clarity one needs to see the solution thats right in front of one's eyes.
Opinion: Had to come next, cos what i did above is berate someone's opinion. No one died and made me king of anything, but i strongly believe that not all opinions are to be voiced. Take a minute to reflect, put yourself in someone's else's shoe's. Think(its hard) but try imagine what you would do, what brought said person to that point. I can say this comfortably because trust me when i say i am the most judgmental person you will ever meet, but even i know better than to think that i have the solution to everything or i could do it better or i know better.
Down and Out: I realize that i understand why one will take his/her life. I never really understood it before cos i had never had any reason to want to kill myself. Most will say i don't have any now, you might be right, but you are also wrong. Let me tell you a lil about being down and out.
Down & out is the inability to see beyond the now, you are so engrossed in your current state, the future seems embedded with more problems. No victory in sight, every step you take to make your future better, comes with it its own added set of problems e.g.
Down & out is when you think that even if i got a job right now, i may not be able to take it because there is only one car and how will your siblings go to school.
Down & out is you doing laundry wondering when you will be able to buy soap to do laundry again.
Down & out is when somehow you manage to pay this bill and instead of relief to come with that you think of the fact that you can't pay the next thousand bills.
No i won't be taking my own life or anything like that, i put my feet in someone else's shoes and it wasn't a pretty sight and i pray for the lost and troubles souls out there, may you find PEACE.
Dancing: I danced the whole day yesterday, a far cry from how i wept the day before. I danced at the laundromat, i danced at home. No epiphanies, no solutions to my problem, it wasn't even because i prayed, but somehow i think God was happy with that.
Hatred: I hate my parents for making me go through this. What were/are they thinking? Why do they think i'm strong enough to handle this? I hate myself for not being strong enough, i am a Leader, always been, right now failure is all i seem. I hate that i am not a boy, because in my mind somehow this would have been easier, because i would have been born with a hustler spirit and done some yahoo yahoo to solve my problems. I hate that i'm a "good" girl, with not enough courage to say i want to be a stripper or a prostitute or have a sugar daddy who will pay my bills? I hate that i didn't think of marrying to get papers, cos that would have made my life easier. I hate myself for not having any obvious talent, well one that pays immediately. I hate that luck did not decide to overflow on me, like it seems to do for others. I hate that i cant bear to think of myself doing anything illegal because i think, more like i know that i'm going to get caught, when others live this way for years.
Money: If you still think my problem is my negative bank account, then i'm not sure how else to explain. Its not the money, it sure will be good and will solve the obvious problems, but its more the responsibility of it all, the fact it seems like this is all on my head and it lasts for more years than i care to imagine. Its the feeling like i carry the weight of the world and i would never be free from it all.
LDR's: It's hard not to think of all the bad things he could be doing. Its hard not to think you guys had something together cos well i see the tweets and the messages and you are closer and i'm far away. Its hard not to worry. But its a greater feeling knowing someone has your back and you trust someone completely and they care for you even more than you do yourself or they. There will always be insecurities and fears, except the person is not worth it, you just have to not let them ruin a good thing and sometimes there might be cause to voice it out, never be afraid to do so. Don't push things under the rug, cos you are afraid that he might think you insecure, only God's love covers a multitude of sins. But what do i know, i'm single. Lol
Thank you for your love, support, prayers. You have been awesome instruments in my life, i can't tell you all that enough. Have a good weekend and i'm good really, i promise you, just sharing my thoughts.
P.S. I LOVE YOU