Saturday, December 4, 2010

Relationship 101

NOTE: Sorry guys i don't know what i did or what happened, but somehow i lost this post, together with the comments. Thankfully my best-friend had it, so all is well. I am sorry to those who already commented, i would put it back up, since i have them in my email.

Hello guys, how are you doing? Hope you all had a splendid week and wishing you a splendid weekend ahead.

A couple things:
1. I have gone back to reply every comment, i am so sorry for slacking off on that and i promise not to again.
2. I actually forgot that yesterday was Thursday, will make up for Praise Thursday next week, plus that will be Testimony Day, Thankful in advance.
3. So i saw my blog on Linda Ikeji's blog roll the other day and i felt like a star. :))
4. Shout-out to all the new followers, plus you should know i always check out your blogs and i always read, i just might not comment, will try to amend that.
5. Finally, disregard the name of this post, just couldn't come up with something else. This is a very personal post, don't know why i said that in advance, but thought you should know. Let's go

Today, as with many days prior i was asked "So are you and your guy official yet?" My response as usual is NO!!... That's something a lot of you didn't know. BB and I are not official.
The next question is often "how long have you guys been talking now?"..... 10 months
The next question is then "why? There has to be a reason?"..... I don't know, I really don't know.

Prior to meeting BB, i believed that you needed to be official within 6 - 8months, especially when you know that what you have is good and not a joke, of course whether or not the relationship will last is another issue.
Now often people want to know specifics.
Things like does that mean he can talk to somebody else or can I?....Truth is technically he can and so can I. I am not talking to anyone else, whether or not he is, i don't know.
Same with sex. I am not having sex with him or anybody else. Whether or not he is, i don't know.
Another is "so if he sleeps with someone else and you find out, what would you do?" Honestly, i don't know. I used to say as soon as i find out a guy cheats on me, as long as there is no ring on my finger i'm out the door. As you all know, love is not enough for me. The question comes up, that can you consider it cheating? doesn't not being official mean that you don't owe each other anything? ... I say valid points. Like i said i don't know. I will hurt, be disappointed and walking out will definitely be an option and probably the first thing i will try to do.
Another question is "so if you are out and he introduces you as his friend, how would you feel?" I honestly wouldn't feel anyways, and i would introduce him the same way. His family and friends know about me as my friends and family know about him. BB and I joke that we are going to go from straight to where we are to being engaged.

Why am i saying all this? Before this relationship, everything was clear cut for me, so i can't fault anyone for feeling like i am doing myself a great disservice by going about this way. People are worried about me and are afraid i'm going to find myself hurt. That's fair and i understand and yet i wouldn't have it any other way. I love this man and i give him a 100% even on days when i complain and want to be out of it and what we have been through, because as you can probably guess, we have been through things seems unbearable. There are some secrets that just have to stay between a "couple" and if we end up not being together i probably will cry and then i will move on. I do want to be official at some point, you are right to say its time, but for us things need to settle down a lil bit, individually and as a unit, but for me it has to be natural and cannot be forced.

Looking at it from the outside you might say that we are both afraid to commit or as my guy friends say "he has found an option to eat his cake and have it, that is keep you for marriage while he sleeps around, so when he does something and you find out, he pulls the friendship card" - That was word for word, a comment by a friend btw. All valid points, and i have often said that i am afraid to commit, growing up i never saw myself married, i thought i was going to be a highly successful woman, who was single and adopted plenty kids and the thought still lingers.

So my point in all this, life is not simple, life is complicated with plenty shades of grey and black and white and yellow. But you do yourself a great injustice not living it to the fullest. Learn to bend the rules. Adjust it to fit your needs, embrace change without losing your principles. If i thought my principles were compromised, i would not continue this and if i ever feel it is i would walk away, no questions asked. People are only looking from the inside in and though they think they know the best for you and might even have gone through the same experience, sometimes you have to go with your own gut and instinct. You know where it hurts the most, you know if the good outweighs the bad, you alone know.

Don't be fooled to think that you need a man to be happy at any age, don't let past relationships ruin your life, don't rush for the wedding day and the white dress and cake, cos marriage is a heck more than that. Understand that every relationship is very different, perspectives are varying, what works for the goose certainly does not work for the gander. I come from a broken home and as stable as my siblings and I are, its the worst thing that happens to a child, don't be deceived. Still i think it would even be worse to be in a home, where everything is wrong, the man cheats, beats his wife or vice-versa cos some women are doing it, all in the name of staying together."When people(read: HE/SHE) show(s) you their TRUE colors don't try to paint a different picture."Pray for the right choice, the right man, the one for you. Know that it takes a lot of work. Aim to be best person you can be, the right choice for him, the right woman for him.

Nways, i suddenly felt the need to share this with you, i don't know why. Forgive the preachiness of it all, this is how it formulates in my brain and the only way i can relate it. Thank you for reading at all, i appreciate it.
Have a splendid day and God Bless.
P.s I've still not told him I Love him, upon all my talk. I shall wait for wedding day, if it happens. Don't judge me :)... This is my one kryptonite
P.P.s I LOVE YOU

15 comments:

  1. You are not judged dear. I applaud you on holding on to intimacy for a little bit (high five)
    I would tell you to heed what your mates told you. The both of you need to be on the same page communication wise. I have found out that a man that wants you despite issues will lock you down officially. There are no if, ands, or buts about it. The only way he shouldn't want to do that is if he is married (lol, in that case you would not be messing with him). This man is not ready to go there yet, really investigate that. O and both families knowing/assuming what each other are is nothing unless you both know that you are official. Shuu, even with that ol' boy can still do whatever.
    He introduces you as a friend in public? He is not ready for both of you to be official yet and if you are ok with this then go ahead. Don't prescribe fear of commitment on him, dude seems ok. As you go on in this journey, make sure your needs are voiced and met. You are laying the foundation for the future of your relationship. You compromise on things in relationships but there are somethings that you don't compromise on.
    Yes, life is complicated and every couple knows their "cuni cuni" but there are some things that should be straightforward in a relationship and your status should be one of them.

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  2. wow nicely said anonymous...erm so complicated dunno where to start..if he wants it enuff he will fight to have it and to have his name plastered over it...thats usually the mans instinct to mark his territory...he has not been made to lie in wait for over 10 months hoping to make it official in the future...i do understand that relationships do have their specific dynamics.. what is good for me might not be good for u...but same way in order to have a happy marriage both parties must make a conscious decision to make it thru the good and bad...thats a necessary foundation ...which then leads me to say ...if you are both acting like an item when no one is looking..and then when anyone is looking yall are acting like friends thats not healthy cos it opens the doors to a million and one possibilities...as in we all want a guy that is proud to say thats my girl in front of his friends...and even when i aint his girl i want him to lie and say were together cos he wants me that bad..lol

    so one mans meat is another mans poison...if it works for u ..all good ..but its like building a house and desperately tryin to avoid the foundation cos u hope to come back to it latr..me i dont support u telling him u love him...except he has told u his feelings and u werent ready wen he told u..so now ure ready to say u love him...then all good ...

    but if he hasnt said it...expressed it..told his friends about it..then naaa i aint telling him..he needs to work to get me...cos the truth is after marriage men usually relax and dont woo the woman anymore they costantly need to be reminded that they need to express their love..the way they see it is if they married u..thats all they need to do to prove commitment..so my dear if he fights for u and professes his love for u before officiating anything thats sooo needed cos its those times u look back at and know that he did care...

    long and short of it..its needed in a marriage that a man shows interest ...fights for interest ...and claims interest in you...dodging this ..is like saying u dont mind not being the centre of his world...which im sure u do want...
    (mscheww dont mind me i too talk..)

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  3. hmmm... God be with you as you work through these kinks in yourself and in the relationship

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  4. I had written a whole comment and it disappeared.
    I know situations and people are different but I agree with the previous people who commented, make sure things are clear because its easy for men to have their cake and eat it.
    I can say that because I once was in that sort of arrangement then one day you wake up and someone tells you 'I have met someone else' and he can be confident in saying that because things werent clear.
    Its so easy for women to be loyal even in such an arrangement yet the guy can do what he wants. If a guy loves you and wants something more he will do everything to make that happen.
    I later found out that this guy had had such close 'relationships' with four other women for years each and at the end nothing, so they ended up walking away...
    I say do what works for you but also make things clear, make sure you on the same page. All the best

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  5. It sounds to me like you are letting your head and your heart guide you....With logic and with emotions too....Thats a hard balance for many...The only people that really knows what goes on in a relationship are the two people in it....And regardless of whether ya'll are official or not,if ya'll wont end up together ya'll wont....And putting a "label" on a relationship doesnt make it legit or guarantee that it would work out...I mean really the most important things in a relationship are friendship & commitment to making it work...Sounds like ya'll have that....i'll say if this is the pace that works for you guys,then i'll say work it....Enjoy your youth & do it your own way...And if it works it works & if it doesnt it doesnt...But it will be YOUR EXPERIENCE!!

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  6. More and more, I'm learning to just lay my cards out on the table. No gray areas--so we know exactly where we are and what we can and cannot do.

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  7. Wow, I never knew that you two weren't offical. But hey what ever floats your boat, as long as you two understand one another than that's fine. Everyone has their own concepts of what a relationship is...but it's up to you and BB to define wat u two have!

    I'm secretly wishing that you two would make it official soon tho...I'm a sucka for love :-)

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  8. Hmmn...

    I feel you and i'm not really sure what else to add because you've said it all:

    1) But for us things need to settle down a lil' bit, individually and as a unit, but for me it has to be natural and cannot be forced.
    2)Life is not simple, life is complicated with plenty shades of grey and black and white and yellow. But you do yourself a great injustice not living it to the fullest. Learn to bend the rules. Adjust it to fit your needs, embrace change without losing your principles.
    3) Still i think it would even be worse to be in a home, where everything is wrong, the man cheats, beats his wife or vice-versa cos some women are doing it, all in the name of staying together.

    Though, as a child of divorced parents, i will disagree with you that divorce is the worse thing that can happen to a child. There are worse things in this world.

    Children are better off with parents who are divorced and happy than parents who stay together, cheat, are miserable and fight all the time. I'm just saying.

    I'm glad you know that your friends definitely have your best interest at heart, but it's important we never do stuff just because or because of generalizations. What works for you will not work for others.

    May the Lord guide you and BB as you make your decisions.

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  9. I am with Shade, I don't think coming from a broken home is the worst thing that can happen. It has lingering side effects yea but not the worst.

    Every relationship truly is different but there are somethings that *are* black and white that we as human beings make grey.

    I have always said that there is nothing on this earth that can't be rationalized. We can only hope for guidance and hope for the best.

    Taynement

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  10. The naiveté in this post is heart-warming. It's rare, but good, to see a person willing to take stuff at face value.

    A wise person once said, "Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior." (Uhm.. ok.. that was actually from SATC)
    Sadly, from a dudes perspective, you seem to be justifying it.

    You've got a good heart though, so hopefully your words "..if we end up not being together I probably will cry and then I will move on" will be one premonition that never comes to pass.

    Toodles..

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  11. relationships have many gray areas...we can only pray for guidance. I'm still learning..everyday is a new experience. And like someone commented..you're using both your head and heart. Love the post..love your outlook !

    i'm waiting for the iV tho...so yah ..aunty sharp sharp! lol

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  12. i read this on monday on the go and made a mental note to come back and comment because my friend was in similar situation. infact the said iv for the man is out..the wedding is in January, and all she got was "nothing was going on between us na". but this girl put her life on hold cuz of this guy, no boyfriend, no date..

    imao these relationships are the most dangerous. you feel like you are in a relationship when you aint

    i know every situation is not the same and it might fail for A and not fail for b but This move is very dangerous. my dear, il tell you what i would tell my sister or anyone i love.
    When a man wants something, he goes for it....thats just the truth.

    You and every woman deserve a man, that would make a commitment....and be everything she wants

    pls reason it out with your head well well

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  13. Some very relevant lessons here! Dont worry about preaching I needed the lesson. Been catchin up on you I certainly missed a lot
    Plenty love xx

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  14. Thanks a lot guys, i really appreciate it and i am definitely taking all you said into consideration.... God Bless

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  15. I can't believe I'm just reading this - all I can say is that my past year and a half has been swamped!

    I also would love a 'being engaged to my friend scenario' - all my friends know that is my ideal scenario, cos I think we place too much on relationships, and that leaves us open to hurt (that is my perspective - yes it is good to be official, but who defines official - I guess I woul rather a point of exclusivity - which I guess would be when you guys got engaged). Soooooo enjoy what you have and don't put any pressure but don't let it stop you from other guys - but for me, I am not able to 'like' more than one person at a time.

    So enjoy it and as long as you BOTH are happy, that is the key.

    How's the PhD going? We need to talk - my BB died, I'll send my new pin via email................x

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