Saturday, March 26, 2011

While i was away

Hi guys, how are you? It feels like its been forever since i was on here. I had so many things to say while i was away but i have this bad habit of not just wanting to write down idle thots, and i wasn't on twitter either so i think most of them i have forgotten or discarded but i will try to recall as much as possible.

While i was away, i thought a lot. I had a lot of free time on my hands in between studying and cooking( i really love to cook), i indulged in just thinking about myself, my needs, my wants, my desires and just trying to see if i understood myself. Some of the things i realized were,

I am extremely private. It's some kind of defense mechanism for me. Its not exactly a good thing.

I am a subservient person. In a way its my strength.

I love my new body. Yes i said new. Its extremely fun to walk around naked now. Plus there is something about appreciating my body, that has come with age. I just never got into my body, even when i was much smaller.

I am honest, so much so it bothers me when i bend the truth a lil. You know how you say it but you don't tell the full story and the person can interpret it to mean something else and you know you should have said something but you let it go. Its going to bother me for months now, i know.

I am very good at pretending. I just think i ought to fake it till i make it. It just seems like i've been faking it my whole life anyways. It also means that i feel fake the entire time.

I feel like i'm playing catch up a lot in my life. I feel inadequate a lot more and i feel like everyone can see that.
In a complete opposite turn tho, i am extremely confident in my abilities, and in my person. I think that my insecurities(not sure if thats the word i'm looking for) but the things that make me feel inadequate also make me very strong. The things i feel like i have not accomplished, the ways i think others are better than me, the things others can afford to do that i cannot..... make me have a story that most others don't have and i like my story so far. I want a change don't get me wrong but i also like the character that i have built over the years.

I love bb cos he is kind. I couldn't for the longest time figure out why i was in love with him. Not like i had to have a reason, but i wondered a lot, what the "it" factor was. I think for me its kindness. Even on the days he says/does things that inadvertently annoy me, i can always see the kindness in his heart. p.s if he doesn't know i'm in love with him without me saying anything he's a big goat.

I really want a baby/babies. I feel like thats my chance to create and mold something perfect. I think God laughs at me when i think this by the way, but i feel like thats my way to undo all the mistakes that have been a part of me. Not anytime soon sha, this dream i can wait for.

I don't want a big asking me to get married fanfare. I want a breakfast in bed, kinda deal. I want a band, no diamonds but something engraved. Apparently having diamonds is a really big deal (according to SBM) but i don't want that. Strangely enough i think instead of a ring, give me a key to my dream house.

My dream house is a bungalow(no stairs please) spread across acres of land, with my own personal toilet and Carrie Bradshaw's closet/ Hannah Montana(its bigger). lol

I want to take a camera across Africa and document so many things i feel like we don't show about Africa.

My friend said she's talking to 3 guys, i can't even get one guy to like me. I really am trying to understand this guys. I want guys lining up for me too. It just doesn't seem fair.

I gossiped, well that was yesterday with Femi, lol but i did. I felt sinful and good at the same time. Maybe i should gossip some more, lol.

I can't focus on one single thot at any point in time. Even when i'm praying. It really annoys me. I need help.

I love TV. I think America has the best offering for TV, in the limited countries i have been to, America is king. I love movies even more, i haven't been to the theatres in 5months though. I feel like they have a lot of good lessons.

Ok that's about it guys, i'm sure this was nothing like i had to say but o well. In some other news,

Its time to move guys, things have gotten bad. Sigh. what to do?  I need a job still, and people are getting jobs around me left and right. Do you think i'm cursed guys? like this is more than normal, is it not.

Natural hair campaign people crack me up. First off you are mad that some people are still relaxing their hair, then you are mad that people are turning natural for fashion, then you are mad cos people don't like their natural hair. Lol. You see these things on twitter, tumblr and blogsville and i can't help but laugh.

Will be back on Monday, i have so much new and good music to share with you, i'm excited.

P.S I LOVE YOU. Have a great weekend

12 comments:

  1. Doesn't BB like you? Isn't that one guy?

    I think my brain just shuts off Team Natural. I just don't understand why it's a big deal if I am natural or not.

    Taynement

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  2. "if he doesn't know i'm in love with him without me saying anything he's a big goat.".....RUFF IT lol!!!!!! feel you on the praying and multitasking in your mind.....thank God im not the only one o lol! nd pls i cant be bothered with natural hair abeg. after the painful experiences of going to mallams wife's place to plait hair and she will chuk my head in between her legs and my head will hurt for days from the pre-weaving combing of the hair and then the actual weaving....relaxing is much easier and i am just lazy/impatient with my hair :)....welcome back!

    http://olori-beautiful.blogspot.com/

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  3. why?don't assume BB knows that u love him. u better tell him how u feel o.

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  4. BAbe..you berra tell the youngman that you love him since you do. Before all those ton-tinrin girls will clinch him!
    Dnt even get me started on that nachi-hair hullabaloo....mccheww

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  5. taking the camera and going across africa ..or even developing countries is one of my goals this summer. I can envision the album already.
    i really want to do this when i go to nigeria.

    it's always a pleasure to read.. and yah i always have so many thoughts going on in my head at once..it's crazy!
    take care & God bless

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  6. That was a lot. But i'm going in:

    For me with "privacy" i find it quite interesting that the stuff people think are "private", i have no issues sharing and vice versa. It's weird..

    Amen to loving & appreciating your new body. It's a beautiful thing.. *raises* hand in support of the honesty tip. Though i feel like I'm becoming a liar but my friends beg to differ. Funny enough the "will bother me" aspect just happened to me 2 weeks ago. I know i'm going to regret it for a while but oh well...(building my "lying" bone...God forgive me). I used to be numero uno at pretending (specifically with my life, issues, &other crap...) but 2 years ago i had to stop it. I felt like i was just existing & not living. So far the change has been a blast. I thank God. Hear hear on the catching up with life & building character. Lovely ish with you & BB but please do tell him. He's not a wizard. He can't read your mind o. Ehen...I feel you on the marriage & ring ish..Word on the traveling. That would be dope..Isn't BB a guy? Doesn't he like/love you? Omo yi...Don't be greedy. Leave some for poor people like me okay..Haven't been to the theater in almost 7 months. oh well whatevs. Moving again? Sigh. I'm so sorry. No you're not cursed. Yeah some natural hair campaigners are a little "off" with their advocacy..Looking forward to new & good music on Monday. Have a blessed weekend too sweets..

    Honey Dame cracked me up with "ton-tinrin girls".

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  7. when i read paragraph 8, i felt like i was looking into a mirror. confidently insecure, insecurely confident.

    about the job thingy...be encouraged @ http://disgodkidd.wordpress.com/2011/03/17/thankful-for-the-job/

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  8. This is such an honest post. I'd love to go with you around Africa and getting those pictures :D

    And yes oh, listen to HoneyDame i beg lol

    Adiya
    http://thecornershopng.blogspot.com

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  9. this post is random.

    On BB, don't assume he knows, if you want him to know, tell him.

    I like engraved rings too


    Cursed???Na . All things work together for god. Remember? The big picture would soon be clearer and you would understand why everything happened this way.

    I feel you on the natural hair campaign. Though i am natural at the moment, have been for 2 years plus now. That's a ME choice. don't care what the next person is doing. It is their hair, their business afterall

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  10. I like the feeling this post gave me

    Like i was tumbling in your head...

    You aren't cursed...not everything good comes easy...hang in there

    I like your ring choice...tell your man how you feel...I want a baby too but a dog first so i can train it not to eat my child...lol

    Good luck with moving...Natural hair pipu?...as confused as the rest of the world..humans for you...

    Catch you on your next post...x

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  11. So i just read this post and i feel like i couldve written it, like it couldve been my thoughts....lol minus the BB part and not wanting diamonds of course....girrrrl lol.

    Im so private and sometimes i fear that i come across as boring but im just like the world dont need to know errthing also people cant deal with u laying it all on the table...so im with u on that fake it till u make it tip.

    God loves u babe NEVER forget that....everything else....thats just part of the journey

    love u xoxo

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  12. Thank you so much guys for the comments. Muaaahhh

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