Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The girl behind the scenes

Hi everyone, how you doing? Its a new month. Whoop, whoop!!!!!!!!. I cannot believe its August already. First, it means i have been in Jersey for 8months, how rad is that? Second, it means i have been single for 4 months, well technically, we were never official so really it should be that I've been single for 3years right? Since Dec 2008. HOW RAD IS THAT? Lol. Third, it means i haven't seen my siblings (well the two that are here) in 5months, so uncool. Fourth, it means that i am only a month away to my second semester in school. My mother loves calling me professor, its kinda cool actually. And o, in Jesus Name, it means that this is the month where i get to give my testimony, and i get to move to NY (story for another time). All in all, its been a Great, yes i said great, as ironic as that sounds, couple of months. There's been so much love, even more hurt, considerable amount of tears, plenty of joy and its all to the Glory of the Lord.

So about my title. I read two posts, one on Madame Sting; which reminds me, guys i read your blogs, almost every single one of you, i just don't comment which i know is really bad considering that i clamor for your comments, so forgive me, but know that i read; and Jon Accuf's. One was about being anonymous and the other was about being a different person on social media. They both inspired this post.

First, i totally get being anonymous and for a while i was, but i've always liked having a face to the name, i'm the kind of person who wants to know your full name, the day you were born and the school you went to at the very least.
With that said i'm the most private open person you will ever meet. You cannot find me on most social media sites, i'm extra protected, not on facebook, not on twitter( o i'm back on there :p), not on linkedln, not google+, nowhere. You cannot google my name(s) (of course you have to know which one i'm using that year and how i spelt it, lol) and my find me in multiple places and trust me i've tried it.
The reason being that i'm not a writer, or an artist, or celebrity where its ok to be that public. I do not want my future employers to be able to find me, i don't want anyone really to be able to find me. So i guess my point is you can be open, without being out there, but if being anonymous works for you, then that's good too. I read on twitter that anonymous bloggers are liars, i strongly disagree, and i hate that people tend to make generic statements like that. Ok that was just my two cents on that.

Second, was being a different person on social media compared to who you are in real life. I am guilty of this. Let me explain though before you twist your noses, lol. On twitter for example, i am a big flirt, you should see me, i work it well, in person i am shy around guys, especially a guy that i like, ask bb, and i have never understood it. I am always talking about being naked and my boobs, and wanting a man, and doing a man, things that i would not have conversations about in person in general.
100% of my conversations are through some technological mode of communication, as you very well know, i don't have a lot of friends around me and even then i tend to be anti-social like i call it, i can be withdrawn, just watching tv, reading a book, or just listening to the person talk. Meanwhile if we were chatting on bb, i will be witty and funny and engaging. This is a flaw of mine, i'm dealing with it.

Another thing i do is talk more on here, than i do in real life. So i could have been crying all day, and i mean like its been the worst day ever, and my best friend calls me and i'm all talking like nothing happened, so then she reads a post and i've bared my soul on here and she gets mad at me. I did that with bb a lot, cos like i said i never liked to share my problems with him, he would call and i would make sure to make the conversation about him (boys like that and i'm an expert at it, lol) so much so, that when one day after we stopped talking he told me that "my blog was part of it" i.e. part of why he dumped me, it took me a while but i understood.
At first i was so upset, he wasn't supposed to be reading he promised me that, and the friends we have in common were also not meant to be telling him what i wrote, plus all i could think about was that i spoke so much about my feelings for him on here, but i never told him (i'm more of a show how you feel kind of girl). Now maybe i'm rationalizing and he just didn't like the fact that i talked about him period, but i think in hindsight i could see how me not talking to him about my feelings/problems and some more of the personal stuff could be a problem, every other thing i wrote on here tho i promise i told him. I can be so superficial when it comes to conversations in person, talk about the inane stuff, talk about you, and music and nothing deep, nothing that tells you where i stand or how i see things. I need to change that, i really do, not sure how, but i need to.

Which brings me to my last point (i swear it will be the last thing i ever write about bb). Like i mentioned earlier, i never talk about my feelings, just don't know how to. My close friends keep saying i need to talk to bb, tell him how i feel, what he did, to leave me alone, like ayo says "he needs to be told about himself". I really cannot, i hate confrontations, arguments, anything of that sorts, i'm quite a sissy. So i tell them, i'll write it, because i'm good at that, i weave such a pretty tale on paper, lol, on paper i tell the truth, nothing but the truth so help me God.
I haven't written it yet, although i suspect i will soon, but more importantly i won't send it to him, first off he won't read it, trust me. Secondly, what is the point? which is why i brought this up in the first place. Why do people write letters to their ex's? For me, writing gives me all the relief i need, whether or not anyone reads it, i say so because i have another blog that only i see where i pour out my emotions(that's where the letter will be). Me "telling him about himself" won't change him and per-adventure (i love this word, lol) that it might, i just don't think its my job to do so, i believe there comes a time in every one's life where they have to be self aware enough to see their wrongs, see how they have hurt someone and then change. I also, don't need to make him feel "guilty" (for lack of a better word) i've said this before and i say it again, he made a choice, he has the right to do so and not to say that he didn't hurt me, didn't take advantage and all that bla bla but shit happens no? O and more importantly i do not want him back (even though i am still in love, its just not enough) and i feel like showing him that will have him thinking otherwise. So my question again to you is why write a letter to your ex, or even tell him/her how you feel after the fact?

Ok that's all for now, i'm going to spend the day at the movies and then go to church. I haven't been out of my house in four days, how rad is that? Lol.

P.S I LOVE YOU
Thank you all for being a part of my life. It means a lot. (see, expressing me feelings, lol)
Bye Bye.

9 comments:

  1. Wow, that was a lot. Thanks for sharing yourself with us. As for talking to bb, not such a great idea. Let it be. Yea he might need to be told about himself but remember y'all were not official. Take this as a lesson. Unless you are a go with the flow type of girl, don't deal with no man on a serious tip without it being "official"(whatever that means to you). It really protects both parties and there is no doubt that you can express certain feelings without feeling like you are doing too much. Men will take WHATEVER they are given. If you allow them the minimum, they will run with it...no questions asked. Now a serious guy (no offense to bb) will ask for an official status before you have to have the conversation.

    I have learnt this overtime and I am so much better for it. Once I start to catch feelings for you and you are not trying to make us official, I fall all the way back. I have hurt myself too many times to know what comes next.

    On the other hand, congrats Prof...2nd semester here you come. Life and God have been so good to you, all the hurts pale in comparison to the great things ahead of you. I pray for success in your very near future and a wonderful month of August

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  2. Wow. You've really opened up...a lot. Thanks for doing so though. People can learn from this. Don't worry about the past...God has a reason for it. And even if you don't see the reason now...you will in the future. When the right man comes along, you'll forget about the past and thank God for the one He's provided for you.

    We all just have to be careful when it comes to relationship...even if it's just a friendship relationship. It sucks that one can't really know what others are like until something drastic or weird happens.

    Well, I just hope that God directs our path so we don't end up always making silly mistakes. Love does hurt when you don't get what you bargain for.

    The future is bright. Take care and Congratulations.

    http://foreversweetlybroken.blogspot.com/

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  3. Lol when we do finally meet its going to be an interesting conversation if only for the reason that i also am a Master Deflector hehe. I feel you on the talking to your ex business. Like i remember sending my ex a number of emails trying to express how i felt...the dude didnt get it...not surprising as the main reason we did break up was because of communication or lack of it. Hope you enjoyed your movie, cant wait to hear the first of many testimonies.
    xoxo

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  4. I so don't think all anonymous bloggers are lying in their posts, how can anyone think that?

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  5. Awww.... I agree on so many of the points. Your healing may be slow but it WILL soon be complete. About anonymous blogging, why can't we just enjoy the creativity and stop making these ridiculous blankets under which to lump them? Sting mentioned ugliness, you mentioned lying, I wonder the other stereotypes out there. I agree. You can be out without putting yourself out there...

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  6. Four days?! Totally rad lol!! Since you don't like to talk and prefer to write you might have been sending him over here lol. It's all good though

    Adiya
    Muse Origins (Creative Nigerian Features)
    Muse Origins

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  7. @Anon-Oma - I definitely hear that, i wish i you had told me this a lot sooner too. But then again would i really have listened? Amen and Amen thank you so much, God Bless you, i pray that the Lord grant you all your heart desires too.

    @Sweetly Broken - Amen to that o, that's the key thing. I honestly felt like God directed me, so its important to know the difference.

    @ablogofhope - Esther you kid, you? i don't see it. And lol, he sounds very clueless. Amen, thank you dear.

    @Myne - Jobless people, i tell you.

    @Etoile - Amen o. That's Nigerians for you my dear.

    @Adiya - Are you making fun of me woman? Lol. You have a point sha, but i really doubt it.

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  8. this is my second time reading your blog and i must say that you are one hell of a writer!! expressive and very realistic indeed. i don't know much about this ''bb'' but Anon-Oma is right, a serious guy will ask for an official status before you have to have the conversation.cheers dear

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  9. @Eddy - Thank you very much and i agree with you guys completely. God Bless

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