Thursday, March 31, 2011

Praise Thursday

Hi Guys,

How was your week? Hope it was well. I was very busy and i accomplished all i wanted to do so i'm glad, hope to do the same tomorrow and weekend.

So i am no longer fighting with God. We made up :). But i noticed that even though i am expectant i am also fearful. I have an interview next week for a job and when i had got the news the first thought that came to mind was that should i say Amen and thank you in advance, because whats the point if i am not going to get it.
I used to scream over every good news, it didn't matter how little. I guess after it seems like everything good always ends up bad, you just lose something. Especially when right after i set up my interview for next week today, i get a reply from a position that i applied for, that i was rejected, a job i was overqualified for. I want my joy and hope back.
I also realized i wasn't completely grateful. You see even though i have not found a job yet, the fact that i worked in the health department in a city as huge as Houston, is great on my resume. So i need to be grateful for that experience. And realize that everything has indeed been for a bigger purpose.

Happy month of April guys. I wish you all the best, and i pray for new opportunities, continued blessings and most of all joy in your hearts and peace of mind. Enjoy the songs.




and i just heard this and i loved .... Stolen from djhax's blog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zigHL2kw_M&feature=player_embedded

P.S I LOVE YOU

Monday, March 28, 2011

My current playlist

Hi guys, i have 30 mins to start and finish this post so leeeeggoooo.

Which brings up the first point, it usually takes me about an hour to write a post and that doesn't make sense since i have all of what i want to write in my brain already right? mschewww

I woke up at 6.30am and i still haven't done anything. Although i did my errands and all, but i thot by now, i would have finished my post and put in two hours of work. Guys, i really have gotten lazy, it seems like in every area of my life. This is not good.

I like being chased, by both girls and boys. My best friend (Oye) will tell you that she chased after me and thats why we are friends today and i realized yesterday that this is true still. So to all my friends i really do want to say a big thank you, for caring enough to chase after me.

I starved myself yesterday in protest, because i was just so annoyed. It was a stupid thing to do. I'll never do it again. It reminded me of the one time, my dad as punishment said we wouldn't eat that night (it was beans and dodo nways so i wasn't bothered) like an hour later, he says we should eat and i said i wasn't hungry. I then now got a beating for saying i didn't want to eat. lol.

I haven't spoken to my dad all year. How things change. We used to be best of friends, then enemies, then tolerant, then friends again and now we don't even speak. Don't think there's any going back now. I really do wish him well tho and i know he is insanely proud of me.

Learning to pick my battles, has been one aspect of the growth i am experiencing that i'm extremely proud of.

I was fighting with God, even though i was fasting. Isn't that weird?  I think we are ok now though. He sees my heart.

I fear that a lot of people observe rituals without understanding principles. Its what you grew up with, its what you are told to do, its what the Bible says to do, but without understanding the why's. Maybe thats why when things don't go their way they fall apart. I have learnt this lesson the hard way.

Why call me and not leave a message when i don't pick? Clearly it wasn't important.

Its weird for me when i have pimples, my first this year and i'm sooo bothered about it. lol #vain moment

I need a job. Just had to put that in there. In case God is reading.

Saying you have a private personal blog is an oxymoron, seeing that its actually out there for everyone to read. I have a private personal blog though.

I love my siblings. They keep me grounded. Especially my brother. Is it weird that i see a lil bit of my brother in BB. Even though my brother is like 7years younger or so.

O the army sucks. Did you know that they don't recognize fiancée's or girlfriends, if a soldier dies? So what if the soldier had no parents or siblings and all they had was their significant other, what then? especially if the person was gay? Plus they send you packing so fast from base? They suck.

I love army wives.

You are supposed to spend the rest of your life with the one you love. The love of your life, should not die before you get a chance to even be married to that person or at least spend some time. I just think thats some kind of wicked pain. God please don't let us lose the ones we love early, family, friends, kids and significant others. Amen

I am elitist when it comes to music. I love it when I've had an album for a min, or loved a song for so long and people are now just hyping it. I just sit back and smile. lol :)

Wow.... didn't think i had much to say. My current playlist consists of these albums

My favorite song of Chris Brown's album


BB sees her and goes o i thought she was black - its that voice.


Get this mix-tape if you haven't yet - Its free and AWESOME music


I am a stan for this guy


Get this album as well, its lovely


Is it fair to say that she is the better part of Floetry?


Unfailing Love


I am slightly over my 30mins. Lol, have a good week guys.

P.S I LOVE YOU

Saturday, March 26, 2011

While i was away

Hi guys, how are you? It feels like its been forever since i was on here. I had so many things to say while i was away but i have this bad habit of not just wanting to write down idle thots, and i wasn't on twitter either so i think most of them i have forgotten or discarded but i will try to recall as much as possible.

While i was away, i thought a lot. I had a lot of free time on my hands in between studying and cooking( i really love to cook), i indulged in just thinking about myself, my needs, my wants, my desires and just trying to see if i understood myself. Some of the things i realized were,

I am extremely private. It's some kind of defense mechanism for me. Its not exactly a good thing.

I am a subservient person. In a way its my strength.

I love my new body. Yes i said new. Its extremely fun to walk around naked now. Plus there is something about appreciating my body, that has come with age. I just never got into my body, even when i was much smaller.

I am honest, so much so it bothers me when i bend the truth a lil. You know how you say it but you don't tell the full story and the person can interpret it to mean something else and you know you should have said something but you let it go. Its going to bother me for months now, i know.

I am very good at pretending. I just think i ought to fake it till i make it. It just seems like i've been faking it my whole life anyways. It also means that i feel fake the entire time.

I feel like i'm playing catch up a lot in my life. I feel inadequate a lot more and i feel like everyone can see that.
In a complete opposite turn tho, i am extremely confident in my abilities, and in my person. I think that my insecurities(not sure if thats the word i'm looking for) but the things that make me feel inadequate also make me very strong. The things i feel like i have not accomplished, the ways i think others are better than me, the things others can afford to do that i cannot..... make me have a story that most others don't have and i like my story so far. I want a change don't get me wrong but i also like the character that i have built over the years.

I love bb cos he is kind. I couldn't for the longest time figure out why i was in love with him. Not like i had to have a reason, but i wondered a lot, what the "it" factor was. I think for me its kindness. Even on the days he says/does things that inadvertently annoy me, i can always see the kindness in his heart. p.s if he doesn't know i'm in love with him without me saying anything he's a big goat.

I really want a baby/babies. I feel like thats my chance to create and mold something perfect. I think God laughs at me when i think this by the way, but i feel like thats my way to undo all the mistakes that have been a part of me. Not anytime soon sha, this dream i can wait for.

I don't want a big asking me to get married fanfare. I want a breakfast in bed, kinda deal. I want a band, no diamonds but something engraved. Apparently having diamonds is a really big deal (according to SBM) but i don't want that. Strangely enough i think instead of a ring, give me a key to my dream house.

My dream house is a bungalow(no stairs please) spread across acres of land, with my own personal toilet and Carrie Bradshaw's closet/ Hannah Montana(its bigger). lol

I want to take a camera across Africa and document so many things i feel like we don't show about Africa.

My friend said she's talking to 3 guys, i can't even get one guy to like me. I really am trying to understand this guys. I want guys lining up for me too. It just doesn't seem fair.

I gossiped, well that was yesterday with Femi, lol but i did. I felt sinful and good at the same time. Maybe i should gossip some more, lol.

I can't focus on one single thot at any point in time. Even when i'm praying. It really annoys me. I need help.

I love TV. I think America has the best offering for TV, in the limited countries i have been to, America is king. I love movies even more, i haven't been to the theatres in 5months though. I feel like they have a lot of good lessons.

Ok that's about it guys, i'm sure this was nothing like i had to say but o well. In some other news,

Its time to move guys, things have gotten bad. Sigh. what to do?  I need a job still, and people are getting jobs around me left and right. Do you think i'm cursed guys? like this is more than normal, is it not.

Natural hair campaign people crack me up. First off you are mad that some people are still relaxing their hair, then you are mad that people are turning natural for fashion, then you are mad cos people don't like their natural hair. Lol. You see these things on twitter, tumblr and blogsville and i can't help but laugh.

Will be back on Monday, i have so much new and good music to share with you, i'm excited.

P.S I LOVE YOU. Have a great weekend

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Praise Thursday

I"M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

Will catch you up in a future post, most likely before the week runs out but for today just wanted to share a song with you courtesy my best friend. I don't listen to a lot of Contemporary Christian Music, well those that i wasn't raised up on, i'm really  just into Gospel music. But i'm glad for my best friend and sisters who bring these songs to my attention. My best friend says the lyrics made her think of me, if you have read most of my posts you would see it too but i'm sure the message in there is for a lot of people on here as well. So enjoy!



O p.s. thank you for the prayers, i no longer have immigration issues. Grateful to God and thank you so much for praying with me.

p.p.s I LOVE YOU

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Praise Thursday

Heard this song on my way to school yesterday and i just knew i would share before i leave. It was for me and i bet for at least one more person who reads this. God bless you guys and your season of change is NOW. Believe it, be joyful and SMILE :)



Still put me in your prayers for Monday, please and please. Thank you

See you in 2weeks :)

P.S I LOVE YOU

Just heard this right now - had to share


ok now i'm gone. BYE

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Everybody Settles

Hi Guys,

How are you? Been home from church since about 11am and still not able to read. I have both my exams on Wednesday, plus a focus group tomorrow and i'm just pitying myself. I know i like to read under pressure but you will think after two degrees i would know better.

Nways just doing this now, cos i wont be able tomorrow, i travel on Thursday and like i said prior i am going to be away for 10days with little or no communication. Don't miss me too much guys, heheheheh more importantly put me in your prayers in particular on Monday morning, and please ask that i find favor in the sight of man and in the sight of God. Hopefully i come back with loads of good news all around.

I don't think i have a lot to say but by the time i'm done it always seems like such a long post. So lehhhhgoooo

First and foremost - Everybody and i mean everybody settles so its high time people stop saying this. Every man wants Halle Berry or JLO but they end up with who they end up with and every woman wants Morris Chestnut or David Beckham and you end up with who you end up with it. We all eventually settle for the lil things, its when people settle for the big things that the issue arises.(have i talked about this before, i feel like i have).

You do not settle for a man who does not want kids when you want kids. You do not settle for a man who does not put family first, does not put you first, does not put God first above all. You do not settle for a man who is selfish, a cheat and a coward. You do not settle for a man that hits you, who does not support you a 110%. Those are the big things and I've seen enough again recently to know that i am in no rush to get married.

I mention this because i have seen that people settle for the big things and sacrifice so much for that ring and the jubilation when they get said ring amazes me and i wonder what they are really happy about. Do they really believe things will change when they get married? Didn't anybody tell them that marriage is a lot more work? I wish i could divulge more information so you guys can truly understand what i'm saying but i try not to talk about other people in life and on my blog. Please guys, don't settle for a ring. Your happiness is worth more than diamonds or the ability to just say you are married.

O so another person dreamt about being at my wedding. Eyin eyan(people), what is the meaning of this? Why can't they see me winning the lottery now?

As much as i say whats going on, believe me when i say no one knows the half of it and in the case of BB he knows almost nothing because i would not tell him. I need to find a way to rectify that and i do not know how.   Because i knew we weren't ready to be official, i decided that he didn't need to know about my issues. Plus my issues have also been financial and because of my experiences i have promised to never tell a guy i'm talking to about my finances and till now i haven't. The one time he offered, i turned him down and i know my baby is proud to never offer again.That's not the point btw, the point is i know that it hurts him that i don't share things with him, especially cos he shares it all with me and i'm on twitter thanking friends for something he does not know about, and there are so many times he asks and i brush it off. I just don't know how to share, i don't want to be a burden and i think a part of me fears that it will be enough reason for him to leave. I know it sounds silly but its what it is.

I hate when people say things like "don't expect anything, so you don't get disappointed" Its the biggest cock of bull i have heard. Isn't expectation the premise of faith and hope. How do you live a life without expectations? I just don't understand it. I expect a lot from people and things and from God, and the Bible says that my expectations shall not be cut off.

Thankful for my mum, siblings, BB and some friends for encouraging me on this journey. Was thinking about quitting, sincerely after this semester but i believe in a Good God and i know things will work out. My mum will say "iwa buruku to mu lode Baba e ni yen" (thats the bad habit you took from your father) when she talks about me being proud because i never ask for help. This past week i begged for help and thankfully i received but more than that i believe its a lesson that God's been wanting me to learn for the longest time.

I start to think that my life has no meaning, and then someone tells me their story and i'm there to encourage them and share my story(which is usually worse,lol) and i'm not telling you that i'm happy to be going through this but i do believe that my life has a purpose after all. I hope i live long to see the other side of this story.

Guys please monitor your health closely, so many instances of sudden deaths especially among young people. Its quite scary. Also please make sure you check your car regularly, don't drive on an empty tank, two instances of people who died fixing their car on their highway including my current neighbor here in Jersey. So please i beg you, take care of everything that concerns you and the Lord will continue to keep you all in Jesus Name.

I found out that there is a strain of HIV, peculiar to Africans. Its called HIV type 0. Please make sure to get tested for this in addition to getting tested regularly. I will be participating in a walk in May, please support me by donating right here: https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorreg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=447459&supId=322643327&extSiteType=2 .... I assure you nothing is little and thank you in advance.

Thats about it guys, I will be back after my exam on the 22nd (two days after spring break, it sucks). Please be good to yourselves and be safe. Love you all mucho, thank you so much for the support in every area of my life. God Bless

P.S I LOVE YOU

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Praise Thursday

God is a healer - Kurt Carr


Be Blessed - Yolanda Adams


Encourage Yourself - Tri City


Hold me now - Kirk Franklin


Total Praise - Richard Smallwood


These songs helped me through the hell that was this week Praying for a better weekend and for weeks ahead.

P.S I LOVE YOU

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

............................

Couldn't think of a name, kinda out of it today. I'm grateful for spring break coming up next week, i will be away for ten days, no phone, no mails, nothing, just me and a few good books including school books (have two exams when i get back), doing a lot of cooking, not so much eating (i really do not like food sha, such a shame) and hopefully sneak in some fun somewhere in there.

How rude of me, HI GUYS. How are you all doing? Special shoutout to the new followers, i appreciate it. Which brings me to the start of this post....

I always feel bad, when i get people follow me after a Praise Thursday, cos i know on Monday i'm going to be talking about something bad and i imagine that they are always disappointed. I have this theory that my really good Christian followers pray to God on my behalf that if he were to come for me it will be on a Praise Thursday day so i don't miss Heaven.

I look horrible and i mean straight up ugly when i cry. I saw that face this morning and it instantly stopped me from crying. God forbid that anyone gets to see this face. I'm the kind who doesn't look so bad when i wake up in the morning, i don't look bad when i'm angry unlike my mom and my two siblings(you do not want to see this face, again straight up ugly) and i don't look bad when i'm sad/sullen(my other sister, just mad ugly) so it was a shock to me men. Another reason why no one will be in the room with me when i'm delivering, no jokes.

Another Pastor told my mom i'm getting married this year - 4th person in 6months. I'm officially scared. My poor mother, i can't wait to relieve her of this stress, its not been an easy year for her so far and i can only just watch. God please lift her load. I and my siblings have lived on the benevolence of people, strangers and friends alike for 7 months now. I think we have maxed out gan. Again Thank you so much, i appreciate you.

So i was mad sexually frustrated last week, like it was horrible. I was ready to jump anyone that was willing. Which reminds me, I don't know that i have the strength to stay celibate if BB and i are in the same place guys. You know how it is in long distances, you go visit and stay with him/her. I need to stay celibate and yet we have to see, so how does this work? Our physical thing is as strong as the relationship we have if not stronger. O i got to see him for a couple hours this weekend and i finally got kissed after 7months, it was wonderful and i can say unequivocally that i am an awesome kisser, top ten in the business really, lol. Right there was ready to strip by the way. So any pointers on how to stay celibate guys?

My friend told me the other day "I have accepted the situation". For some reason that meant a lot to me. It wasn't that there was a need for approval, but there was a need for acceptance, that even though i might be doing the wrong thing and knowing that all you want is to protect me from any hurt, you can still just accept me and the situation.

I do the ultimate most guys, like i go far and beyond for the ones i love. I make it happen, employ all my resources(mostly human resources)....oooo quick sidebar - I know people, who know people, who know people, as in, i can't shout(Thank YOU so much). In any case, i wondered yesterday if i was this way because i want to be needed, and hoping that whoever i help feels indebted to me forever and remains loyal, like i'm buying their affection you know. This is totally rhetorical by the way, so ignore.

If only i were able to fix my problems, like i am able to fix/solve everybody else's problem. I need a miracle before Thursday and no one to turn to. God please send me a divine helper.

I wondered why i had so many bbm contacts and only talk to like 5, until yesterday when i needed my Jand connects. I literally woke people up to help me and was able to figure it out. Never cut ties guys, except you totally have to.

I have cut all connections with my dad, such a shame but it is what it is.

Thats about it guys, wishing you a blessed rest of the week. Enjoy the song below



P.S I LOVE YOU